Failure and Death

I was just about to write about how frustrated I am having just failed at my first attempt at making a tape cast of my body for my self portrait. I was going to write about how I screamed a little inside trying to cut myself out of my failed attempt at making a copy of myself. I was going to write about how there are issues of finances, and body image, and vulnerability that this "failure" brings up. I was going to. But as I lay down on my bed, naked, after literally cutting the failure (including the clothes) off of myself, I did the obligatory facebook check. And saw this headline: "PJ Paparelli, artistic director of American Theater Company, dies at 40."


"PJ Paparelli, artistic director of American Theater Company, dies at 40."


"PJ Paparelli, artistic director of American Theater Company, dies at 40."

Was I not just having a conversation at The Grind with Tyler Core four hours ago about deaths in our Chicago theater community? Was I not just two weeks ago at a Back Room Shakespeare Project show that started off with reading a long list of names of community members who had died over the past year (including Erin Myers and Russ Tutterow who had died days and hours prior to that moment)? 

I wasn't close with PJ, but liked him the times I met him. Dying at 40 in a car crash? What? Dying at 40 at all? This is insanity.

Do I do ask who is next? Does that fear undermine the lives of the people we've lost this year? Am I immune to this Chicago theater death curse once I move to LA? 

I have friends who have narrowly escaped death recently. Some more privately, some more publicly. And their recoveries have been inspiring. 

At this point I'm just writing with no semblance of structure. So bear with me. 

... Here's the moral maybe--

I tried to do this duct tape dummy (attempted with gaff tape)by myself. Next time I will actually use duct tape. And I will use leggins instead of nylons because... well, for various reasons.
BUT most importantly, I will ASK FOR HELP from a friend. 


We enter this world alone and leave this world alone. We might as well be together while we're in it.